Lesbian enough?


Update: I originally posted this back in 2012. Recently, I’ve read many posts here on WordPress concerning women who identify as lesbians and their presentation to the outside world. I chose to re-post this rather than create a new blog. All information is still pertinent with the exception that I no longer work at the retirement home.

 

 

It’s been a busy couple of days for me. Not bad busy just every day life busy. I’m not complaining. It sure beats vegging out in front of the tv. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing either. Let’s face it, every once in a while there is nothing better than watching pointless shows or movies to decompress. What it boils down to is that I’ve been busy so I have not been online for a couple of days. I’ll wait a couple of seconds for some of you to process the fact that someone could go on living without checking email or being online for 48 hours, on purpose.

Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian p...

Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian pulp fiction provided an identity to isolated women in the 1950s. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So imagine my surprise when I checked my WordPress comments and found a nice little diddy from some nincompoop. I rarely ever read the spam that’s actually there. A couple of quick clicks and it’s gone but for some reason I actually read the first sentence or so while I was busy clicking and getting ready to delete the spams. . .but I held up, I didn’t go forth with pressing the button. Foolishly, I read the entire message.

This person, after I assuming read just one of my posts because they only mentioned one, feels I do not write enough about ‘lesbianism.’ They also assume my writing is fiction and not good fiction at that. They never told me what I should write about in order to be a ‘real’ lesbian but they are allowed to their opinion. Thanks to my partner, sk, I know that feelings are never wrong so I will not dispute their (short-sided) conclusions.

I can honestly say I’ve never been accused of not being lesbian enough. I am who I am. What kind of blog would I have if I used this more like a diary? It would be rather boring I’m afraid. Unless I included stories from work but then some people may think I’m making fun of or taking some serious cases too lightly. I work at a retirement home, or as I refer to it, a half-way house because most of our residents are really too needy for a typical retirement home but not too far gone that they should be in a long-term care facility. So yeah, I could tell you about Monday morning when one of them fell out of bed but got their nightshirt and underwear caught on the bedpost in such a way the only means we could free the man, who had been hanging upside down off the side of his bed for an hour or so, was to cut his underwear off. Or how about yesterday when I witnessed a resident experience a TIA (transient ischemic attack) or mini stroke while trying to stand up from one of the chairs in the lounge and pissed all over the place. I’m talking major waterfall. I think her entire bladder emptied on the spot.

My line of work, along with sk’s, is one in which we need to have a sense of humor otherwise we would cry. Is admitting that not lesbian enough? But do I get butch points for not owning a dress or skirt for over 20 years? I can look at a man and think he is handsome. Does that count as not lesbian enough? What if I said I paid more attention to a man’s cologne and made a mental note when I smelled one I really liked so I could buy it for myself later on? If I admit that the first thing I notice on a woman is her breasts or ass, depending on if she’s coming or going, does that count? What if I admit that if a woman is talking to me, and it happens to bore me, she will still keep my interest because I will focus on her lips. The way they move, curl up on one side, their size and color.

Here’s a lesbian insider secret. At some point in time, every lesbian has decided whether or not she would ever sleep with any of her female friends/co-workers/acquaintances, no matter what their sexual orientation. It could happen any time; a time as innocently as having lunch with her best straight friend, the friend she has known since they were both 16 is describing how her baby developed projectile vomit while at a doctor’s appointment. While she’s describing the doctor’s reaction to being covered in baby puke and the clean-up process, the lesbian, child-less, begins to focus on the lips moving. Before they go their separate ways, the lesbian will have decided if she would ever sleep with her. I’m not saying that we, the lesbians, would ever go through with it. Please don’t feel like you have to protect yourself from your lesbian friends. It’s just something we internally decide. Don’t act shocked; straight women do it all the time with the men in their lives. . .especially when you’re with your other straight friends and after a few drinks you all talk about the men you would or wouldn’t do. Yeah, very similar.

I don’t write porn or erotica so if you’re waiting on me to describe lesbian sex, go look elsewhere. I’m not a femme or a ‘lipstick’ lesbian so I won’t even try to talk about style and fashion. I know what I like, how I like it and what feels good. . .hmmm, that sounds a lot like sex doesn’t it? But in terms of fashion and style, I do not know the proper names for things and my knowledge of colors range from primary to secondary; only because I looked it up. Don’t ask me to decorate a room. My job is to help sk move furniture, hang up paintings, look very serious at the paint samples and then declare, “Yes Dear, that’s beautiful!”

Does any of this make me more or less lesbian? Is there a test one can take? I think sexuality is a spectrum and I’m pretty sure I’m as far as one can go to the lesbian side, well maybe there is a little wiggle room there. How many other lesbians are freaked out by Angelina Jolie? I mean, come on, those lips can’t save her from the memories of her with Billy Bob.

41 thoughts on “Lesbian enough?

  1. This is great! I haven’t been out very long and I feel like I’m constantly judged because I’m femme and love doing my hair, make up, and wearing heels. I have actually also been told I’m not lesbian enough. Why do people expect us all to fit into a perfect little box that their brain created?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, welcome to the party we call lesbianism! Just kidding. Congratulations on coming out! People feel more comfortable with things, including people, if they can put a label on them. It doesn’t make it right, it’s just a fact of life. I am who I am and I try not to worry about what they want to label me; easier said than done though. That’s why I vent through writing. 🙂 Thank you very much for the ‘follow’ as well! Cheers!

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  3. Thanks for sharing this post. I love that you use the term “nincompoop” – very apt. Like your commenter Chloe C, when I first came out I was told by some real nincompoops that I wasn’t lesbian enough, and lezzo’s certainly didn’t carry certain types of bags that looked like handbags. And then there was the hair, and the clothes, etc. A particular nugget that I found difficult at the time was being told that I wasn’t a real lesbian because my daughter was conceived via a heterosexual marriage – before I came out obviously! Some people seem to think that there is a uniform that we all wear that signals us out and has us act and speak in certain ways. Ultimately we’re all different, just like every human being is unique. Some people love their little boxes!

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  4. I was trying to watch my language, nincompoop, was what came out. Oh, a uniform; I think that’s fantastic! That would make my life so much easier. Ha! 🙂

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  5. Ha ha yes a uniform would be extremely handy! it would be cool to not have to come out constantly to people who assume I’m straight – and then have to deal with them being wierd or embarrassed because they assumed wrong, and it would be great to be able to pick those who’re also in the family from a distance. A lez uniform… what colour would it be? surely it would have to include cargo pants 🙂

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  6. Cargo pants, yes, but I don’t want to impose color regulations. That might get complicated like the colored hankies: each color means something as well as which back pocket it is hanging from. Very confusing. All I remember is that I want absolutely nothing to do with Yellow . . . and if I follow that reasoning I’m sure I want to stay clear of brown as well. My contribution will be a reasonable shoe. 😉

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  7. Ooooh, totally forgot about those coloured hankies. Definitely no yellow or brown then! By “reasonable” shoe do you mean comfortable? don’t think you’ll get any arguments on that one 🙂

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  8. So speaking of uniforms. circa 1975,.I discovered levi jeans/t-shirt (overshirt when necessary) no bra and topped by a jean jacket or leather jacket depending on the season,,.and sensible men’s shoes actually wide enough for my big “mannish” feet ..I’ve never really had a reason to change.No dresses since 1970, even though it was the dress code at family weddings..mixed feelings on that one. Wrong that they excluded me , but would I really have wanted to be there,even in a suit.? Love this chat which has sprung up

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  9. Being able to bake has always been a good” shock the crowd ” move for me..like total disbelief, among women who should know better. (feminists and the like ) And yet there was Butch Bake-Off contest some years back as part of a lesbian conference ,with 15 to 20 entries.Good turn out,,and all good stuff. It was a hell of a spread !!
    Were they lesbian enough? I think so !!
    I mention it cause I won ,not only best cake (chocolate) but best taste overall !! and how often does one get to brag about awards in such an appropriate forum. Thanks for bringing this up

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  10. I think the uniform will need some flexibility re exposure of toes 🙂
    The butch bake-off sounds great! congrats on winning – brag away!
    It’s hilarious when people make wrong assumptions and then get shocked isn’t it. Especially those who should know better. At the end of the day you can’t please everyone – there will be some who say you’re not lesbian enough (whatever the hell that means), and others who say you’re too lesbian.

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  11. Pingback: Lesbian enough?, Part II « The Little Butch That Could

  12. Too lesbian? Oh, sounds like another thread to this discussion. 🙂 Hmmm, too lesbian? Would you say the too lesbians would be mistaken for those considered too feminist or vise versa? Just throwing it out there. . .

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  13. Great post and great comments!! Especially love this portion of one of Loz’s comments: ” Ultimately we’re all different, just like every human being is unique. Some people love their little boxes!” Yes so I won’t tell anyone how to be lesbian or straight or whatever and will assume that they will not try to tell me how to be me this woman who is a lesbian for many years, tried to be straight before and after and now is finally coming home to who she is…a lesbian. That’s what is soooo wonderful that gay or straight or bi or trans we are each a unique combo, each a unique mixture of all sorts of wonderful and sometimes not so wonderful qualities, traits, etc. Now I’m heading over to Part 2 Cheers to you rmiles!!

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  14. strollingturtle! Where you been? 🙂
    I understand your point with the boxes. . .but (there’s always a big but in there) boxes make people comfortable, on both sides. Those putting people in those boxes along with those in the box might find it safe, secure and it’s comfortable. i.e. it’s what they know. Does it make it right? No, but then again what is “right?”
    Glad to have you back!

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  15. Hey Strollingturtle, thanks for your kindness re my moment of clarity 🙂 I like to think of people as licorice allsorts – the enjoyment is in the variety.
    To you rmiles – is there always a big butt in the proverbial boxes? does that mean that the box needs to be big to accommodate it? hehe (you call backsides butts in Canada don’t you? I know that US folk call it a fanny – that’s got a totally different meaning in Oz!!! You wouldn’t put your fanny in a box here, although you might call it a box).

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  16. And I get your point as well rmiles. I guess I’m one who has never fit too easily into any box so though I see their purpose am not myself to partial to them. I was out of town from the 8th-the 13th and have been sick with bad cold since my return, nursing a sick kid and trying to take care of school stuff on top of all of it…so have some reading to catch up on here for sure. I’ve missed reading people’s posts and comments….Maybe one of these times I’ll do another blogpost myself. At any rate it is good to be back reading and commenting again. I like this little community of bloggers and readers….:)

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  17. Lol backsides are called many things here in N.America: butt, fanny, ass, trunk (as in, she’s got a lot of junk in her trunk when describing a woman with a larger butt) buttocks, derriere, booty, rump, rear, bottom, bum and behind to name a few. To each their own, Loz. Be it large butts or boxes. 😉

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  18. Aw, sorry. It’s no fun when the sickies are visiting. Hope you and your daughter feel better real soon. 🙂
    I’m not too fond of the boxes either. I don’t like when people try to ‘figure me out’ in order to put me in one of their understandable boxes so I was just playing devil’s advocate before.
    I agree, it’s a nice community that I’m glad to be a part of.

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  19. Thanks for the wishes for improved health. She was back in school today and even aced a test she had to take. I went to work…still tired but can tell I’m getting better.

    I do think it’s good to do the “devil’s advocate” thing because it means you are trying to understand where a person is coming from…and making an effort to understand each other seems to be(in my book at least) a good practice in general.

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  20. Sounds like the acorn didn’t fall far from the tree. . .acing her test and all. 🙂
    Hope the two of you are feeling even better today!
    Or playing “devil’s advocate” is a very fun way to stir up a great debate in a touchy-feely liberal arts class so you don’t have to make another comment for the rest of the period and you can focus on work for another class. Oh, I never did anything like that! 😉

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  21. Pingback: My Top Ten | The Little Butch That Could

  22. Wow, they just love to put us in boxes eh. Lesbian, hasbian, not lesbian enough. Eeny meeny miney mo….. Keep doing your thing and ignore the folks that want to classify you and ultimately reduce you. X

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  23. You got that right, longtermesbian! Be true to yourself and the rest doesn’t matter. Thank you for stopping by, reading and commenting. Cheers.

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  24. Wow. Loved your ending by the way; I’m actually laughing out loud about Angelina because those lips could swallow you and probably not in a good way. If this helps, I was once turned down by a woman because I wasn’t “masculine” enough. I just stared at her because I honestly didn’t know what to say so she continued with, “I’m currently dating someone with hair on their chest.” Well, she had me there, that’s for sure. I can’t compete with that and am unlikely to want to. Egad, man.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Congratulations, you made it through my top ten list!! You get the one and only gold star. . . now, don’t you feel special? lol
    Hmmm, no hair on your chest? What kinda dyke are you?!?!? More coffee, definitely more coffee . . black and strong. lol
    Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Thank you, Isaac, for reading the post, taking the time to comment and following my blog. Cheers.

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  27. Reblogged this on Essence of Pride, Inc and commented:
    TLBTC, I really enjoyed reading this post, even if was previously posted, you hit it on the nose. You made me laugh too!! Oh for he record, I am one of those lesbians who do write lesbian romance, I’m presently working on my second book. LOL! Can’t wait to next week to check you out again!

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  28. I’m a straight married guy that writes a blog for a Lesbian and a Pagan, two different women. I didn’t know there were degrees. As far as I knew, when Z told me she’s a Lesbian, that’s enough. *shrugs* Ah well, be yourself and p**s on ’em if that isn’t enough. Thanks for finding and liking today’s blog post, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. When someone states they are les, that should be enough but life isn’t so simple; people like to label and then place people in the proper cubbyhole, then all is well and safe. Every group of humans have their own categories. . .yes, even straight married men. No offence, some of my favorite people in the world are straight married men. 😉
    Thanks for reading and commenting. Cheers.

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  30. *grins* You read today’s blog post. I’m not much on caring how someone’s labeled. I don’t really care what some outsider, not you in this context, calls me. *grins again* Besides, some of my favorite people are Lesbians or Pagans and, in a few cases, both. *grins 3rd time* Nice blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Well said! The insecurities of other women do a great deal of harm within our (global) community especially for those coming out. I loathe the concept of ‘gold star’ lesbian and it’s misogyny against lesbian mothers who conceived in a former het relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. People have told me that they don’t consider me to be a lesbian because…

    “You wear makeup”

    “You have a child”

    “You go to church”

    Then they will be like, “Since you do….you aren’t like those ‘other’ lesbians.”

    Apparently I am the only makeup wearing, child birthing, Christian lesbian on Earth.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. . . .well, we are all unique in our own special ways. But I hate to burst your bubble, you’re not that unique. Other women just like you are out there, trust me. 😉 I see you more as breaking down stereotypes in your corner of the world and enlightening others.
    Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
    Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

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