Mental Drivel


I feel there is a mess of drivel in my brain but I’m blocked. I just can not get anything down on paper/blog that makes a bit of sense. keep_calm_and_focus_on_drivelAfter another night of tossing and turning, I think (and this is where my first mistake might have taken place) I finally figured out why. I am totally pissed off at myself. This anger is keeping me from going forward on all fronts.

I am so fuckin’ angry because I chose to let my fear win and it gnaws at my insides knowing I did not meet my challenge head-on but showed weakness, sorry, not even that but cowardice. This all stems from a doctor’s appointment last month with my neurologist for my muscular dystrophy, MD. I’ve never written about this before and I doubt I make it a regular topic but please bear with me. Normally, I would talk about this with my Mom but, well, I can’t do that any more. I do not discuss these things with my partner, sk, because I do not want to add to her stress. I know she already feels burdened so why add to it?

Every year, I see my doctor and go through a series of tests and exercises for monitoring purposes. I hate it. I hate the test. I hate the exercises. I hate the results. I hate MD. This year, I sat at the breakfast table the morning of my appointment and I could not find it in myself to move. Actually, I was scared. I even managed to piss off my gal pal, sk. She agreed to drop me off at the hospital before she went to work which in turn meant she would be a bit late to the office. Due to my cowardness, she was late to work for no good reason. . .  just because I was too scared to get my ass off the chair and do what needed to be done.

The appointment is one thing, it’s the clinically confirmed downward progress of the disease that I really can not stand. Hell, I do not need test results to tell me what I can see and experience on a day-to-day basis. I do not want confirmation of what I already know. I want to be happily surprised. I want to be wrong. I want positive progress. I want hope.

Fuck it. We don’t always get want we want.

Peace.

 

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11 thoughts on “Mental Drivel

  1. I really don’t know what I could possibly say that would be of any help to you, just know that there are people that do care , I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, hang in there buddy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks, butchcountry67, I do the same for you, your wife and son. I think I just needed to get that shit off my chest, ya know? Not having someone to talk about it with has taken a toll. Hopefully, my writing block has passed. I mean, I gotta get my act together. . . Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Thanks again for reading, commenting and offering kind words. Cheers!

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  3. I know words are insufficient, but they are all I have. I wish you the mental strength to fight the MD, love and comfort from your loved ones to support your every moment and a great prognosis. I’ll be thinking of you. Take care.
    Kris

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have watched MD, SMA, and ALS real up close and personal.
    Each day in every one of our lives is the same. None of us knows if we will wake up tomorrow with a body that functions, but we all just trick ourselves into thinking that we will.
    So what you need right now is a way to trick yourself into a good mental place. I don’t know what that trick is, but I will think on it.

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  5. Agree with both the above commenters- please know folks out there are thinking of you, and wishing you the best in your fight.

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  6. No worries, Kris. Just needed to call myself on my own bullshit so I can move on. Thank you again for reading and commenting! Cheers.

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  7. Thank you so much for commenting, thefinalrinse. I think I just needed to mentally give myself a big kick in the ass. . . that’s my trick anyway. Peace.

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  8. Thanks so much, gaygirlrehab. We all have our individual fights, right? Being there for one another, if only in the blog world, can make a difference in someone’s life. Thank you again for the kind words and I hope you are winning your fight. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Halo Halo | The Little Butch That Could

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