I feel there is a mess of drivel in my brain but I’m blocked. I just can not get anything down on paper/blog that makes a bit of sense. After another night of tossing and turning, I think (and this is where my first mistake might have taken place) I finally figured out why. I am totally pissed off at myself. This anger is keeping me from going forward on all fronts.
I am so fuckin’ angry because I chose to let my fear win and it gnaws at my insides knowing I did not meet my challenge head-on but showed weakness, sorry, not even that but cowardice. This all stems from a doctor’s appointment last month with my neurologist for my muscular dystrophy, MD. I’ve never written about this before and I doubt I make it a regular topic but please bear with me. Normally, I would talk about this with my Mom but, well, I can’t do that any more. I do not discuss these things with my partner, sk, because I do not want to add to her stress. I know she already feels burdened so why add to it?
Every year, I see my doctor and go through a series of tests and exercises for monitoring purposes. I hate it. I hate the test. I hate the exercises. I hate the results. I hate MD. This year, I sat at the breakfast table the morning of my appointment and I could not find it in myself to move. Actually, I was scared. I even managed to piss off my gal pal, sk. She agreed to drop me off at the hospital before she went to work which in turn meant she would be a bit late to the office. Due to my cowardness, she was late to work for no good reason. . . just because I was too scared to get my ass off the chair and do what needed to be done.
The appointment is one thing, it’s the clinically confirmed downward progress of the disease that I really can not stand. Hell, I do not need test results to tell me what I can see and experience on a day-to-day basis. I do not want confirmation of what I already know. I want to be happily surprised. I want to be wrong. I want positive progress. I want hope.
Fuck it. We don’t always get want we want.